A letter to (insert ex name here)

So, I have seen and talked to a few of my exes recently. I have so many things that I want to say to them, but never do, because...well, I really don't know why I don't say things to them maybe it's the confrontation or the subject matter, but I always leave the conversation feeling smaller. I am always disappointed in myself for not saying all the things that bubble up inside me.

I may not leave this up here, but for some reason today I feel like I have to say these things. I don't want to hurt anyone, although the people this is meant for probably deserve anything that it makes them feel. Also, I am trying to open myself up a little more, emotionally, and I feel like this is a step I need to take. Here I go...

Dear (insert exes name here)

I bet you are surprised to hear from me. Well, I am about to surprise you yet again. I have some things I need to say to you. I was going to say you know me and how I don't really say the things that I need to say, but you don't actually know me. I am beginning to wonder if you ever really did. Actually, a lot of the time, I wonder if I really knew me when we were together.

I need to tell you how much you hurt me. Not just by doing the things that ended our relationship, but by the way you treated me. You treated me horribly and the way you treated me was wrong. I am as much at fault as you are, I allowed you to do it, I realized that now. The things you did, the things you said...no one should be made to feel that way or be told those things. Yes you hurt me, but much worse than that, you made me doubt myself all the way to my core. Do you understand just what your words have done?

The fun loving person I was, the person who trusted easily, loved passionately and cried easily is gone. The hurt of your actions, the sounds of your words that still echo in my head to this day, they were a huge part of creating the person I am now. I hate that I am this way, so closed off from anything emotional and constantly doubting myself. I don't blame it all on you, I allowed you to say those words, day after day and I was the one who missed all the warning signs.

I tell you this now because I am trying to change this about myself. I am trying to break holes in the walls that I have been hiding behind for years, so that I can finally begin to feel again. The words are there, in the back of my mind, every time I meet someone and think that maybe I could have a relationship. I'm going to shut them out now. I am going to shut you out now. I guess that was the real reason for this, to tell myself that you, the ghost of you, and the words you said need to be shut out. I need to rebuild myself, and this is the first step.