Standing up

I will never understand why so many of us have issues with standing up to people. Self-conscious people, abused people, people who feel trapped. We all have those people in our lives that we can't or won't stand up to, and while I may know the answer, I still ask myself why? What is it about ourselves, or them, that makes it so hard?

Please, don't think I will have the answer here, I'm just rambling about this a little bit. I know why I have issues standing up and speaking my mind, for me it's fear. I've always been the person who does what everyone else wants me to do, out of fear of disappointing people, or having them be angry with me. While my parents tried to make me feel secure, or as secure as possible, I always felt like the world would fall away underneath my feet if I did the wrong thing, said the wrong thing, wore the wrong thing. This is something I've always known about myself, but only began to feel like I could begin to correct recently.

Today I had to push my brother a bit about getting a new job. I've been supportive and understanding, but after almost 3 years of supporting him financially, I told him that he really needs to begin to pull his weight. As soon as I sent the dreaded email, with job postings included, I felt a knot tighten in my stomach. I truly believed that I would be stepping into a war zone when I returned home, so much so that I even tweeted "It has begun!", one of my favourite lines from Mortal Kombat. While the reference may have been lost on others, it was forefront in my mind. Needless to say, the worry was for nothing, seeing as he took it quite well.

This is a rare occurrence. Usually when I stand up for myself, or correct someone with reference to my feelings, I tend to be shunned or they get angry with me for a while. Eventually they come around, but only when I return to the way they see things or do what they want me to do. In the end harmony is restored and everyone happily gets on with life, except me. I always feel weak because I gave in, rather than doing or saying what I wanted.

Why am I this way you might ask? I have no idea. There was no traumatic or emotional event that caused this, at least not that I can recall, it's just how I've always been. I'm not afraid of people, but I am afraid to disappoint or anger them. I'm sure there is some medical term for it, some sort of disorder, but knowing it would probably only make me feel worse.

I'm just going to try to work on this, work on changing this part of who I am. I know it will be hard, so I'll pick and choose my battles. Maybe one day I will fully feel free to say and do what I want, without worrying. What a day that will be...