So, I have seen and talked to a few of my exes recently. I have so many things that I want to say to them, but never do, because...well, I really don't know why I don't say things to them maybe it's the confrontation or the subject matter, but I always leave the conversation feeling smaller. I am always disappointed in myself for not saying all the things that bubble up inside me.
I may not leave this up here, but for some reason today I feel like I have to say these things. I don't want to hurt anyone, although the people this is meant for probably deserve anything that it makes them feel. Also, I am trying to open myself up a little more, emotionally, and I feel like this is a step I need to take. Here I go...
Dear (insert exes name here)
I bet you are surprised to hear from me. Well, I am about to surprise you yet again. I have some things I need to say to you. I was going to say you know me and how I don't really say the things that I need to say, but you don't actually know me. I am beginning to wonder if you ever really did. Actually, a lot of the time, I wonder if I really knew me when we were together.
I need to tell you how much you hurt me. Not just by doing the things that ended our relationship, but by the way you treated me. You treated me horribly and the way you treated me was wrong. I am as much at fault as you are, I allowed you to do it, I realized that now. The things you did, the things you said...no one should be made to feel that way or be told those things. Yes you hurt me, but much worse than that, you made me doubt myself all the way to my core. Do you understand just what your words have done?
The fun loving person I was, the person who trusted easily, loved passionately and cried easily is gone. The hurt of your actions, the sounds of your words that still echo in my head to this day, they were a huge part of creating the person I am now. I hate that I am this way, so closed off from anything emotional and constantly doubting myself. I don't blame it all on you, I allowed you to say those words, day after day and I was the one who missed all the warning signs.
I tell you this now because I am trying to change this about myself. I am trying to break holes in the walls that I have been hiding behind for years, so that I can finally begin to feel again. The words are there, in the back of my mind, every time I meet someone and think that maybe I could have a relationship. I'm going to shut them out now. I am going to shut you out now. I guess that was the real reason for this, to tell myself that you, the ghost of you, and the words you said need to be shut out. I need to rebuild myself, and this is the first step.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Last 3 videos of the Prison Tour
Sorry guys, I didn't realize I would have to break it up this much, but this is the last of it.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Alright, I'm going to go there...
I've really been trying to wrap my head around what has been going on for the last 24 hours or so on Twitter, but I just can't. It all began with someone tweeting about the fact that Ryan admits to being bi-sexual in his upcoming book, Paranormal State: My Journey into the Unknown. Suddenly everyone was buzzing about it, I wouldn't be surprised if it was a trending topic for a few minutes there, which really bites since we all tried so hard to trend BuellShit to no avail.
It seemed to be a lot of "oh my gosh" and "can you believe it" posts, which I guess is somewhat to be expected. Then came the supportive posts from the people who respect, care for, and consider Ryan a friend. When I first heard this, my reaction was amazement at how open Ryan had chose to be with the public and I was very proud of him for it, considering how difficult it had to be for him. Most people have a hard enough time coming out to family and friends, let alone the whole world.
Today, sadly what we had all hoped wouldn't happen, did. Someone on Twitter decided to attack Ryan for his honesty, using his religion as a weapon. I can't imagine just how much that may have hurt him, but he handled it with dignity and rose above the close minded person, even tossed in a joke. His strength amazes me.
Now I'm going there...oh, wait, you thought I already had? Well no, I'm going to touch on the dreaded religion and prejudice. This is where things could get nasty, so keep in mind, this is just something that rolls around in my head when situations like today come to light. I thought about separating these posts, and maybe I should, but they seem linked, so I'm going with it.
When I was a child, I believed in God and I went to church just like all the other little girls (sadly in one of those hideous frilly dresses and usually it was pink *cringe*). The only happy church moment that I can recall was when I finally memorized enough bible verses and was presented with my very own "grown up" bible. I thought, at the time, that it signified something amazing, like new world opening up. I remember that I went home, and 7 year old me began to read the bible in search of those secret worlds.
As I got older, I guess I got more cynical and jaded. When I read the bible at 12, I began to wonder about how accurate the words were. The bible spoke about love and around us, people were constantly singled out for different reasons (race, sexual orientation, religious beliefs, marital status). My mother was appalled when I finally told her that I couldn't believe any longer. She told me to speak with our reverend, but I didn't feel the need.
My biggest problem with religion is what we saw today, someone using the words of the sacred texts (which ever one it may be) to justify ignorance and hate towards another person or religion for some reason. I thought that religion was about love, maybe that was the silly dreams of that little girl in pink frills. Inside, I think a part of me longs for the connection that comes with having faith, but I just can't let go of the reasons I turned my back in the first place, and all the reasons I've seen since. Maybe one day I'll find that faith, until then I'll hope for change.
It seemed to be a lot of "oh my gosh" and "can you believe it" posts, which I guess is somewhat to be expected. Then came the supportive posts from the people who respect, care for, and consider Ryan a friend. When I first heard this, my reaction was amazement at how open Ryan had chose to be with the public and I was very proud of him for it, considering how difficult it had to be for him. Most people have a hard enough time coming out to family and friends, let alone the whole world.
Today, sadly what we had all hoped wouldn't happen, did. Someone on Twitter decided to attack Ryan for his honesty, using his religion as a weapon. I can't imagine just how much that may have hurt him, but he handled it with dignity and rose above the close minded person, even tossed in a joke. His strength amazes me.
"when all you got to keep is strong, move along, move along like I know you do. Even when your hope is gone, move along, move along just to make it through" - Move Along by All American Rejects
When I was a child, I believed in God and I went to church just like all the other little girls (sadly in one of those hideous frilly dresses and usually it was pink *cringe*). The only happy church moment that I can recall was when I finally memorized enough bible verses and was presented with my very own "grown up" bible. I thought, at the time, that it signified something amazing, like new world opening up. I remember that I went home, and 7 year old me began to read the bible in search of those secret worlds.
As I got older, I guess I got more cynical and jaded. When I read the bible at 12, I began to wonder about how accurate the words were. The bible spoke about love and around us, people were constantly singled out for different reasons (race, sexual orientation, religious beliefs, marital status). My mother was appalled when I finally told her that I couldn't believe any longer. She told me to speak with our reverend, but I didn't feel the need.
My biggest problem with religion is what we saw today, someone using the words of the sacred texts (which ever one it may be) to justify ignorance and hate towards another person or religion for some reason. I thought that religion was about love, maybe that was the silly dreams of that little girl in pink frills. Inside, I think a part of me longs for the connection that comes with having faith, but I just can't let go of the reasons I turned my back in the first place, and all the reasons I've seen since. Maybe one day I'll find that faith, until then I'll hope for change.
"Right back what is wrong. We move along." Move Along by the All American Rejects
Monday, September 13, 2010
Prison Tour
Alright guys. Sorry it took so long to post this, I've been trying for days. Here it is, part 1 of the prison tour. I'll have to do this in seperate videos, because I'm having issues uploading bigger ones. I haven't fully watched it, so if there are offensive comments, images or swear words, I apologize in advance. I have the content warning on the blog, just in case of things like this.
Enjoy the tour!
Enjoy the tour!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
A little stumped
Wow, today is the first time in a while that I am actually stumped as to what to post about. I could post about how annoying it is to be working reception where the computer runs slower than an old dot matrix printer. I could post about how I am going to be getting up at 4:30am on a Saturday to go to work. I could post about those things, but that just seems like I would be complaining. Okay, I know yesterday's post was a little like complaining, but at least there was a focus there. I think that is what this post is actually going to be about. Focus or lack there of.
I realize lately that I am a little unfocused. I don't really think this unfocus centers on any one area in particular, but is more of a whole. I have become a little unfocused when it comes to my writing, which incidentally is driving me mad since I am so close to finishing Ally's Story. I have been having some issues finishing a book, which is highly unusual for me, and I've been a little unfocused when it comes to many other areas in my daily life.
I think this is due to overworking. Listen, I love my job, I really do. I have no problem putting in 10 hour days or working the occasional Saturday. I think the problem is that I have been working for...26 days straight. I think that they lack of focus is my minds way of telling me that I need to unplug from work and recharge. It's not just my full time job, I was working weekends the last 3 weeks running a parking lot for fund raising and the occasional shift at the Ticket place. I think I just need to step back, and breath.
That's what I plan to do next weekend, not this weekend because...surprise, I have to work on Saturday lol. I think next weekend I will make no plans. I will spend the day curled up with the book I can't seem to find the time to read, and just relax. Maybe a walk, or some shopping, or...wait, there I go again. Just nothing. No plans.
I will do my best to keep true to this...next weekend.:( *sigh*
I realize lately that I am a little unfocused. I don't really think this unfocus centers on any one area in particular, but is more of a whole. I have become a little unfocused when it comes to my writing, which incidentally is driving me mad since I am so close to finishing Ally's Story. I have been having some issues finishing a book, which is highly unusual for me, and I've been a little unfocused when it comes to many other areas in my daily life.
I think this is due to overworking. Listen, I love my job, I really do. I have no problem putting in 10 hour days or working the occasional Saturday. I think the problem is that I have been working for...26 days straight. I think that they lack of focus is my minds way of telling me that I need to unplug from work and recharge. It's not just my full time job, I was working weekends the last 3 weeks running a parking lot for fund raising and the occasional shift at the Ticket place. I think I just need to step back, and breath.
That's what I plan to do next weekend, not this weekend because...surprise, I have to work on Saturday lol. I think next weekend I will make no plans. I will spend the day curled up with the book I can't seem to find the time to read, and just relax. Maybe a walk, or some shopping, or...wait, there I go again. Just nothing. No plans.
I will do my best to keep true to this...next weekend.:( *sigh*
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
An inconvenience while attempting to protect my privacy
Okay, while I appreciate Twitter keeping an eye on everyone's privacy and such, it really became a huge inconvenience for me this week. I use a desktop gadget program to monitor and tweet while I am working on my laptop called Twitter Explorer. When the new privacy settings went into effect, my twitter gadget stopped working and there was no explanation as to why.
Now, I don't know about you, but I don't always read every word of the emails that I get from these sites. This one I skimmed, but I didn't really compute what this meant, until I booted up one evening and saw the dreaded Yield sign that meant my twitter stream was interrupted for some reason. I tried and tried,I even ran malware and virus scans, but couldn't figure it out, until J2 reminded me about the email.
Next thing I did was try to locate a new gadget which had been updated with the new settings, so that I grant it access and the world continues as it should. That wasn't as easy as I thought. I tried 7 different gadgets, and not one asked for the access, which meant they hadn't been updated. *Sigh* I ended my search last night, with no gadget to show for all of my efforts.
Today, I was bound and determined to get a new gadget. I tried the same ones, and finally one worked! Now, I don't love it, but it will do until Twitter Explorer updates to the new format, which I hope will be soon. It's called Tweetz, for those of you who require a twitter gadget to feel whole again. All I can say about this situation is *grumble grumble*
Look, privacy is great, and I love that Twitter respects that, I really do. The thing is, if I add an app or gadget, I've added it. I don't want it to quit on me because someone else decided my privacy settings weren't adequate. Please Twitter, stop playing with my rights to privacy, otherwise I may end up with many of your pretty little birdies flying around my head...
Now, I don't know about you, but I don't always read every word of the emails that I get from these sites. This one I skimmed, but I didn't really compute what this meant, until I booted up one evening and saw the dreaded Yield sign that meant my twitter stream was interrupted for some reason. I tried and tried,I even ran malware and virus scans, but couldn't figure it out, until J2 reminded me about the email.
Next thing I did was try to locate a new gadget which had been updated with the new settings, so that I grant it access and the world continues as it should. That wasn't as easy as I thought. I tried 7 different gadgets, and not one asked for the access, which meant they hadn't been updated. *Sigh* I ended my search last night, with no gadget to show for all of my efforts.
Today, I was bound and determined to get a new gadget. I tried the same ones, and finally one worked! Now, I don't love it, but it will do until Twitter Explorer updates to the new format, which I hope will be soon. It's called Tweetz, for those of you who require a twitter gadget to feel whole again. All I can say about this situation is *grumble grumble*
Look, privacy is great, and I love that Twitter respects that, I really do. The thing is, if I add an app or gadget, I've added it. I don't want it to quit on me because someone else decided my privacy settings weren't adequate. Please Twitter, stop playing with my rights to privacy, otherwise I may end up with many of your pretty little birdies flying around my head...
Sunday, September 5, 2010
A recap of recent events
Hi all, sorry I didn't post for most of the weekend but things were really busy and when I get to bed, I just pass out. Here is a recap for those who are curious.
My birthday turned out great. It was the first really happy one I had in years. I had lunch with a few friends at work, and then when I got home my roommate, a friend and I ordered Chinese food and sat down to watch Rose Red. About 20 minutes into it, my brother came home with a cake! I broke the rules and had a slice with everyone.
My brother gave me some money for my birthday bringing my total just high enough to afford a VIP ticket for FTX! I seriously can't wait for this trip. My roommate got us a tour through a 3 block cemetery in our city. My grandparents are buried there, and I haven't been in years. We have been thinking of doing our own investigation somewhere in town, so we thought a guided tour of this place would help us decide if it is where we want to start out.
All in all, I had a wonderful day. The messages on Facebook, the Forum comments and Tweets made my day so much better. I really have some amazing friends now, and I really appreciate bow understanding and compassionate all of you are. You guys are awesome people.
I'm going to sign off for tonight, since I have to work early tomorrow, but I have some interesting stuff coming up. I will try to post the tour of the WV prison on here are some point this week. Also, if I can get permission form Eilfie, I would love to post her workshop on Haunted Objects that was done at FT9. I have to get her permission first though, that's the way I roll.
My birthday turned out great. It was the first really happy one I had in years. I had lunch with a few friends at work, and then when I got home my roommate, a friend and I ordered Chinese food and sat down to watch Rose Red. About 20 minutes into it, my brother came home with a cake! I broke the rules and had a slice with everyone.
My brother gave me some money for my birthday bringing my total just high enough to afford a VIP ticket for FTX! I seriously can't wait for this trip. My roommate got us a tour through a 3 block cemetery in our city. My grandparents are buried there, and I haven't been in years. We have been thinking of doing our own investigation somewhere in town, so we thought a guided tour of this place would help us decide if it is where we want to start out.
All in all, I had a wonderful day. The messages on Facebook, the Forum comments and Tweets made my day so much better. I really have some amazing friends now, and I really appreciate bow understanding and compassionate all of you are. You guys are awesome people.
I'm going to sign off for tonight, since I have to work early tomorrow, but I have some interesting stuff coming up. I will try to post the tour of the WV prison on here are some point this week. Also, if I can get permission form Eilfie, I would love to post her workshop on Haunted Objects that was done at FT9. I have to get her permission first though, that's the way I roll.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Excitment...a first in years...
Okay, this blog post may get a little personal, and not in a dirty way. Yesh, get your minds out of the gutter. Before I begin, I ask only one thing of all of you readers...please don't comment with tons of sympathetic words. The thoughts are appreciated, but that is not why I am writing this post. I think I am writing it for 2 reasons. Reason 1) I need to be a little more open, as Eilfie mentioned and reason 2) to show myself just how far I have come. Here I go...
Tomorrow is my birthday. Usually this occasion bring happiness to people, but not for me, at least not for the last 6 years. For the last 6 years, I have done my best to hide my birthday from anyone and everyone I could. When I started my new job, I didn't tell anyone when my birthday was, and skirted around the question whenever it came up. My boss, who is really big on birthdays, respected the fact that I don't celebrate my birthday when I explained why.
6 years ago I lost my mother, a topic that I am really not ready to discuss fully yet. This is a process people, and I am not quite there yet. My mother was a big celebrator of events. She loved them all. At Halloween, she would buy oodles (yes I did just use that word) of candy for the neighbourhood kids, of which we had 7. At Easter, she would hide eggs and leave chocolate bunnies everywhere just so we could find them. She was a big Christmas fan too. She would start shopping in July so that the tree overflowed with gifts. She realized that the things weren't important, she just liked giving and the fun of the holidays. She did attend church and understood the true meaning of these times, but she had fun too. Her favourite holiday of all...birthdays.
My mother always made birthday's special. When I started high school, she would get a little desert cake, or a donut or something, just for us to share in the morning when no one else was around. My mother and I went through some rough times when I was in high school and I believe this was her way of acknowledging that I was growing up and her way of telling me she was happy I was born, at least that was the way I saw it. I loved this little ritual, because I saw it as someone saying they were happy I was here, that in some way I made their life better.
When my mother passed, the thought of celebrating my birthday was something I couldn't consider. The thought alone, made me ache internally and almost brought me to tears. When my friends would corner me into it, I agreed that we would go to dinner and that would be it. Nothing else. This is how it has been for the last 6 years. One friend, my roommate, takes me out somewhere to do something fun, like a concert, but that was only because she wouldn't let me ignore the day. Now it is something I look forward to, almost the way that I used to look forward to that special time with my mom.
I write all this because this year, for some reason, I am excited for my birthday. It doesn't hurt so much to think of celebrating it. I've come to realize that doing so isn't turning my back on the the ritual I had with my mom that meant so much to me, it's just a way for me to let a few other people say "I'm glad you were born." In a way, it feels like I've taken another step towards being who I want to be and allowing myself to be a little more open to people and my environment. Yet another step in growing up.
So, tomorrow I turn 32. I will sneak a little snack cake and be glad I was born.
Tomorrow is my birthday. Usually this occasion bring happiness to people, but not for me, at least not for the last 6 years. For the last 6 years, I have done my best to hide my birthday from anyone and everyone I could. When I started my new job, I didn't tell anyone when my birthday was, and skirted around the question whenever it came up. My boss, who is really big on birthdays, respected the fact that I don't celebrate my birthday when I explained why.
6 years ago I lost my mother, a topic that I am really not ready to discuss fully yet. This is a process people, and I am not quite there yet. My mother was a big celebrator of events. She loved them all. At Halloween, she would buy oodles (yes I did just use that word) of candy for the neighbourhood kids, of which we had 7. At Easter, she would hide eggs and leave chocolate bunnies everywhere just so we could find them. She was a big Christmas fan too. She would start shopping in July so that the tree overflowed with gifts. She realized that the things weren't important, she just liked giving and the fun of the holidays. She did attend church and understood the true meaning of these times, but she had fun too. Her favourite holiday of all...birthdays.
My mother always made birthday's special. When I started high school, she would get a little desert cake, or a donut or something, just for us to share in the morning when no one else was around. My mother and I went through some rough times when I was in high school and I believe this was her way of acknowledging that I was growing up and her way of telling me she was happy I was born, at least that was the way I saw it. I loved this little ritual, because I saw it as someone saying they were happy I was here, that in some way I made their life better.
When my mother passed, the thought of celebrating my birthday was something I couldn't consider. The thought alone, made me ache internally and almost brought me to tears. When my friends would corner me into it, I agreed that we would go to dinner and that would be it. Nothing else. This is how it has been for the last 6 years. One friend, my roommate, takes me out somewhere to do something fun, like a concert, but that was only because she wouldn't let me ignore the day. Now it is something I look forward to, almost the way that I used to look forward to that special time with my mom.
I write all this because this year, for some reason, I am excited for my birthday. It doesn't hurt so much to think of celebrating it. I've come to realize that doing so isn't turning my back on the the ritual I had with my mom that meant so much to me, it's just a way for me to let a few other people say "I'm glad you were born." In a way, it feels like I've taken another step towards being who I want to be and allowing myself to be a little more open to people and my environment. Yet another step in growing up.
So, tomorrow I turn 32. I will sneak a little snack cake and be glad I was born.
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